It’s the day after my counselling session. I feel sad. And knackered. I feel like I’ve got a big ball of emotions inside that needs to get out but it can’t, or won’t.
Why me? Why did I get cancer? There’s so many bad people in the world walking round healthy and happy despite doing atrocious things. All I wanted was to have my family and live a ‘normal’ life. Do the school run, see friends for the odd night out, take the kids for days out and holidays. But now every day my head is filled with wondering if/when the cancer will need treatment. How long do I have left? Will it be painful and long & drown out? Will my baby remember me? Every time I eat I’m aware of my ileostomy, will it block it? Will the bag leak? How sore is my skin? What if it farts in public? Will anyone hear it and will it make me feel awkward?
I just feel sad. But if you see me in the street and ask if I’m ok I’ll smile and say yes. Because in that moment I am, but as a whole I’m sad. Just desperately sad and scared to let the emotion out in case it doesn’t stop.
Living with ovarian cancer and an ileostomy 