3 month check up

It was my 3 monthly routine check up today, they check my blood for cancer marker CA125. It’s gone up to 16, it was 9 & 12 in January on 2 separate tests, but 21 last January after my surgery. I hate my check ups, I get so nervous and find it hard to think about anything else. It just serves as a reminder of the cancer, not that there’s ever a day goes past without me thinking about it. I do wonder how long I’ve got left, whether it’ll be long and painful or if I’ll go quickly. But I can’t think about it too much or I won’t get out of bed. And I’ve got counselling again tomorrow, I’m already dreading it