It was my 3 monthly routine check up today, they check my blood for cancer marker CA125. It’s gone up to 16, it was 9 & 12 in January on 2 separate tests, but 21 last January after my surgery. I hate my check ups, I get so nervous and find it hard to think about anything else. It just serves as a reminder of the cancer, not that there’s ever a day goes past without me thinking about it. I do wonder how long I’ve got left, whether it’ll be long and painful or if I’ll go quickly. But I can’t think about it too much or I won’t get out of bed. And I’ve got counselling again tomorrow, I’m already dreading it
Author: Hannahlane
I was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer in November 2019, I had 2 sessions of chemo then major surgery. I’m now living with cancer. I don’t currently need treatment but I’m slowly coming to terms with a very turbulent few years and working out what my new normal is.
Day two
It’s the day after my counselling session. I feel sad. And knackered. I feel like I’ve got a big ball of emotions inside that needs to get out but it can’t, or won’t.
Why me? Why did I get cancer? There’s so many bad people in the world walking round healthy and happy despite doing atrocious things. All I wanted was to have my family and live a ‘normal’ life. Do the school run, see friends for the odd night out, take the kids for days out and holidays. But now every day my head is filled with wondering if/when the cancer will need treatment. How long do I have left? Will it be painful and long & drown out? Will my baby remember me? Every time I eat I’m aware of my ileostomy, will it block it? Will the bag leak? How sore is my skin? What if it farts in public? Will anyone hear it and will it make me feel awkward?
I just feel sad. But if you see me in the street and ask if I’m ok I’ll smile and say yes. Because in that moment I am, but as a whole I’m sad. Just desperately sad and scared to let the emotion out in case it doesn’t stop.
First counselling session
I think I’ve known I needed help for a while but there was always something else that needed doing instead of me asking for it, or following up when it was offered.
This morning I had my first session with a new counsellor and the overwhelming feeling I got was how hard I am on myself, how I don’t give myself enough time to rest or to think about my emotions. I just buckle down and try get on with life as much as I can. But I’m exhausted, physically and mentally, my jaw hurts from holding all my emotions in. I’m living with ovarian cancer and with all my other health problems I don’t let myself think about it too much, I just want to keep things normal for the kids. But my normal is different now. My new normal is cancer, an ileostomy that causes me problems nearly every day, the menopause, a compromised immune system, a really active toddler and a 6 year old that’s also finding life tough.
Maybe I need to write lists more to clear my head out a bit and then then I’d have something at the end of every day to see what I have achieved. I spoke to my brother this morning and he suggested writing a journal, I impulsively signed up to this blog thinking initially I’ll just keep it for myself but eventually it might help someone else if they’re going through something similar. Although right now I can’t imagine anyone is going through the exact same as me, it feels quite lonely thinking there might not be anyone who knows what I’m going through from personal experience. I don’t even know what group to align myself with, cancer? Stoma? Menopause? I just know I’m exhausted from having constant mental battles in my own head.
Living with ovarian cancer and an ileostomy 